Terra Motherfucking NOVA

SCENE ONE: OFF CAMERA

A scene opened up slowly, although the lens of the camera was blinking in the harsh morning cold. When the viewers can actually see what is going on, we seem to be in chase cam mode. We can see the back of Lash Donohue's dreadlocked head as he panted heavily, moving at a fairly quick pace as he tested his endurance along the way as he works his intense cardio regime. We finally hear a pre-recorded message from our protagonist.

Lash's voice-over: Pain. I am not going to lie. It is just, well... it's more a part of my life than most people would ever want, or could ever STAND for it to be!

Lash was barefoot and bare chested in the -4° weather, the torn cutoff shorts doing absolutely nothing to insulate the rowdy teenager. We watch as Lash let out a war cry, takes a running leap and latches onto a thick tree branch, immediately commencing a set of ten pull ups. We can hear another pre-recorded message as we witness him complete the routine and then drop down for ten push ups in the snow with a strange grimace on his face.

Lash Donohue voice-over: I'm not just putting myself down when I say this, but.. I'm a weird dood! I get a thrill from pushing myself beyond what I ever thought were my limits, that shiz motivates me, man!

We hear Lash chuckle heartily as on-screen, the agile youngster hopped up and once again sped off into the distance. Another pre-recorded message followed.

Lash Donohue voice-over: The bizarre? The UNKNOWN? The seemingly nonsensical? The straight up forces in this world which would bring an end to most people? Well, you would be amazed what doors can magically open for you when you're a man without fear of what kind of pain you may cross paths with in this cesspool called planet Earth..

The camera switched over to a montage of some older, rather unsettling footage. Firstly, the viewer can see Lash holding a lit candle while he grinned serenely, his eyes widening strangely as he held the palm of his hand over a burning candle. Somewhat acrid smoke poured through the gaps in his fingers where the flames were dancing readily, and it was pretty obvious that Lash had been doing this for a while. Next, most people will shake their heads with disdain as they see Lash grinning somewhat maniacally while he deliberately gave himself rather gnarly paper cuts between the webbing of every finger, dragging the sharp piece of construction paper and savoring the moment.

Lash Donohue Voice-over: The unknown? That's basically Chapter three of Pro Wrestling NOVA in a nutshell, my doods! An astonishing array of teams are coming together to determine JUST WHO may be the greatest team of them all on March the fifteenth. While I am quite familiar with a lot of the teams throwing their hats into this thing, and more power to y'all; however, it truly is Terra NOVA for a guy like me! I ain't super familiar with this whole team thing, you guys...I'm more used to..

Lash's voice-over trailed off with a slight echo as the viewer bares witness to a spot from a street fight back in November, and it is fair to say that everyone watching this video package grimaces and looks away as a staple gun rings out twice, and whoever may have watched it can see a bloodied Lash stapling his own nipples. Mercifully, the scene faded out to Lash's silhouette running across the horizon in the distance as his voice-over spoke once more..

Lash Donohue voice-over: Hah. Sorry. But hey, while this is unfamiliar territory for Lashy D, it's pretty blindingly obvious that this sick bastard ain't afraid! Heck. This sick little bastard is all set to go all out with my new tag partner Jakey boy! But hey, that's enough about this sick little bastard.."

As he spoke, Lash winked and flicked his pierced tongue like a lizard and smacked his chest several times before knocking the camera out of focus with a fist bump before this initial scene faded out.

Scene Two: ON CAMERA

The scene opens up later on in the afternoon of that same day. The viewer can see Lash pacing the locker room of a nearby wrestling gym while he is getting suited up for some in-ring training this time.

Lash Donohue: C'mon Striker, I really hope you can make it, my dood..

Lash trailed off for a second as he looked around nervously, and then looked up at the ceiling..

Lash Donohue: This tag team thing is going to rock, man. But we really gotta spend more time on..

Feigning shock as he located the roving camera, Lash placed a hand over his chest and then gave the viewer his patented cocky smirk.

Lash Donohue: Oh HEY! It's ya favorite shithead, Lashy D! I know what ya thinking y'all. Usually, some really, really bad porno starts out like this..

Lash threw his taped up hands out, his face still adorned with that cocky grin.

Lash Donohue: But believe it or not, I am here today to talk to you about tag team WRESTLING!

Lash's cocky smirk slowly became a smile of somebody who is just plain excited to be here. Pacing excitedly and rubbing his hands together with glee, Lash seemed to only exemplify the fact that he was overly excited about his immediate future!

Lash Donohue: I am already rather familiar with MANY people throwing their hat into this here tournament. I mean, there's my sister Arley and my good friend Risa Saito! Small but mighty is an understatement, those girls will haunt your dreams if you sleep on 'em!

Lash chuckled for a second and gave the camera a playful shrug.

Lash Donohue: But then again, I've been beating up one half of the NFW tag champs since we were kids..

Lash stopped pacing, and then also quit it with the chuckling.

Lash Donohue: There's also Bloody Fairytale, but yanno, despite their tenure, I see them struggling pretty hard here. KTPG has been making these girls their bitches..

Lash sighed after he finished with his hearty laugh..

Lash Donohue: I kid, I kid. But, even I have tied Lilith up in knots and dropped her on her face, so..

Lash, with that cocky grin and wink combination which was slowly becoming famous, stopped pacing and then clapped his hands together as he stared into the camera, giving off a deep sigh..

Lash Donohue: I'm also super excited to take on the team of Graham Baker and Jacob Knight! Graham, my dear friend. We absolutely pound the living crap out of each other and drive them fans NUTS when we take to that ring! You know what? You have beaten me, and I have beaten you, yet we have never faced off in tag competition! And as an added bonus, your partner?

Lash threw his head back as he gave off another hearty laugh. He returned his gaze to the camera earnestly.

Lash Donohue: Forgive me, fellas. I'm not laughing out of any disrespect. It's just excitement! Jacob Knight has even expressed his desire to take me on at some point, and it's fantastic that he and I both get our chances! Watch this tag match intently, my doods. We're all set to put on one hell of a clinic, and only one Jacob can stand tall when the dust has settled..

Lash shrugged and nodded apologetically.

Lash Donohue: Mr. Knight? I'm sorry my man, but only one Jacob may stand tall, and there is only one true knight!

Lash grinned but then scowled as he noticed a light on the camera blinking.

Lash Donohue: OH GODDAMN. Technology BLOWS. Look you guys, I'd love to round off all of the teams in this Waltz looking to rip one another down a peg, but my time is running the F..finally!

Lash laughed as he pulled his ringing phone out of his pocket, his media offering fading out as he answered the phone to a certain gag partner of his.

Lash Donohue: HEY MAN! Ya here?! Oh c'mon hurry up you bas..

The battery light flashed once more and Lash rushed to end the promo shoot before he lost it all.